As I teetered on the edge of insanity at Iain's table on Tuesday, I heard the wailings coming out from within and knew how ridiculous it must all sound. It felt good to get them out nonetheless. Solid ground was found, calm and clarity made their way and all is well once more. Sometimes a gal just needs to howl out her frustration to the moon, you know?
Hormonal shift, Mercury in retrograde, full moon, green goop in my chest; these things bubbled up into a full bodied wild woman concoction of crazy stew. And then it boiled over. And smoked up the place for a time.
Somehow Iain took this all in stride and held my despairing face and impressed upon me the need to CONCENTRATE on the present. Not that I need a man to reel me in in times of lunacy, but it was nice to be accepted, acknowledged and grounded in that moment. I have a tendency to coil up, retreat into the dark and stew. And stew. Solitude stew. Eventually everything comes to the surface. It is pretty incredible to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to weather the storm with a twinkle in his eye.
Strong, solid oak in the wild winds of Spring.
Yes I am longing for a home to settle into, yes I am longing for a kitchen to polish and get to work in, yes I am ready to unpack my studio for good, yes I am looking so forward to pulling out of Manitoba and heading for the Atlantic coast alongside an incredible travelling companion, yes I can hardly wait to finish up my Montessori training and move forward. Those wise words (and the word CONCENTRATE specifically) wrapped themselves around my waist and pulled me back into reality, into the here and now. Hold it, winds of change. Hold your horses, cowgirl. Longings be longings; what is important is to appreciate the present. The experiences of my past led me to where I am today, this I know. The future will unfold as it will. No point in wasting energy on the Great Fret about something I have zero control over.
As school winds down, I can feel the coil begin to slowly release. I have been reflecting upon the past year plenty, partially out of necessity for the theory aspect of school and partially on my own accord as I deal with my constant urge to settle. As students we are asked to record our impressions of weekly readings and while doing so take into account the journey we are on as we work toward becoming teacher guides to three to six year old children. Have I changed during this academic pursuit? Yes, absolutely. Have I noticed a transformation in my own attitude or approach to life as I know it? Yes, thank heavens yes. How have I made change? I have made a conscious effort to physically slow my pace in life (especially in the company of children), to engage in the minute details of life that I normally whiz right over as a busy woman, as well as to tune into the spiritual needs of the children in my care through meaningful interactions, mutual respect, eye contact and laughter.
Before this program I took myself for a gentle, soft spoken care giver, but now after an intense practicum in the classroom, I can see now how my mentor's critique and advice helped shape me from what I thought I should be into who I am as a teacher. I have a new awareness of movement that I never would have considered before studying Maria Montessori's philosophy.
Who am I without a home of my own? I am a strong woman who is learning the hard lesson of patience. This year has been a lesson on timing, trusting the intuitive self and having faith that what I am working towards in the present will allow me to work on creative endeavours in the future.
Ah, the many musings of a burdened heart. Time will tell. The darkroom and studio will represent themselves in a new light when the time is nigh. Summer is normally my time for high production but this year is different. As soon as school is behind me, I will commit to the one stencil I have been waiting to devour for many moons, a project based off a photograph of a couple of adventurers whom I admire deeply: Rollin and Elma. Then it will be time to shoot another beautiful wedding and THEN I am going to do absolutely SFA for three straight weeks except drive and read maps and make fires and swim and laugh and walk land and shoot photos of new sights and set up camp alongside the person who gets me for me and makes me laugh like a hyena under a full moon.
And now I must go cram for the Cultural exam I have not prepared for whatsoever! Cool times ahead.